I have always found endings and goodbyes difficult. No matter how large or small. This may be a trait all my own, but that's okay. It makes me unique. It makes me ME.
Actually, if I gave it some thought, I'd say that I could handle endings better than goodbyes. The end of a wonderful evening filled with friends and food, laughter and music. The end of a wonderful movie that has filled you with happiness or sadness; sadness can be good at times. The end of a terrific book, you know, one of those that kept you on the edge of your seat, one you stayed up till the early morning hours reading, as it was so good. Even the end of a relationship, as sometimes relationships ending can be a blessing. One of the endings that will hit me sooner than I want is the end of a house with children living in it. While sad, it is also a happy time, when you see that new life begin for your child.
Goodbye. Just typing that word is hard for me. The dead silence after the echo of a door slamming. Nothingness. Final. Death. Goodbye has always meant lose to me. At the age of 7, I lost my sister. Was never lucky enough to hold her hand, play with her, teach her things. An infinitesimal beginning, an everlasting goodbye. Over the years I have said that everlasting goodbye to friends that were too young, to relatives I barely had a chance to know. I lost the grandparents that were a constant in my life while I was growing up. Relatives and friends that have gone off to protect our country and never returned. My father. Three children. Yesterday, an aunt.
As I grow older, I want the goodbyes to be less and less. I want more hellos, more endings. Of course, it is sheer folly to think that way. Yet, it would be wonderful if it were to be.
I don't know why endings and goodbyes have been on my mind so much. Perhaps it is the changing of the seasons. I am, after all, in the Autumn of my life. But just as in the season, there is still life. I still am creative, still sing and dance and dream. Still shake my head at this crazy world. I am not ready to say my goodbyes. Not for a very long time.
Until next time, my friends, love until it hurts, laugh until you cry and never, ever stop dreaming.